well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
