i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
