Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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