at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
