she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
