Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
