Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
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I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
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I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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