We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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