im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
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We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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