I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
