Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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