new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
