Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
