I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
