I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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