I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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