the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
it hurts more in the daytime
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
