I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
