I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
