You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We left the knife in your bed.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
