I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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