You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
