my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
