This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Couch. On fire.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
