He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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