Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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