we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture