she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
whose ass print is on the piano?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
