Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
