I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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