K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
