the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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