saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Randomize
