She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
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His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
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I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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