she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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