My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
COCAINE IS GR8
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
