bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
