I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
