Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Congratulations! We have a period
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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