the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
