I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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