I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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