I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
