I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
