my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
