can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
