i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
