totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
