i already hear my dad disowning me
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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