Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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