I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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