when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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