On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
