You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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