I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
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The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
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You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
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